


idyllic

by Orca (Orca2)



Category: N/A - Fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-18 04:42:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13674477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orca2/pseuds/Orca





	1. Chapter 1

his eyes were blue. i've never thought myself to be particularly partial to blue eyes, but oh how quickly that sentiment changed. all he did was glance, and with the most meaningful of gazes, smiled. i melted, metamorphosizing into a person with a whole new appreciation for the color. crazy, how something so simple can liquify the foundation upon which i stand. maybe i'm too much of a romantic, swept up by idyllic scenarios that i watch through my rose-tinted glasses. 

i'm lost. i try to hold onto something, some sense of continuity, but it evades my grasp like wisps of smoke. i choke and fumble on my words, the sentences that leave my mouth are not my own, and i bite sharply on my tongue to keep them from escaping out into the open air. why can't i say something i mean, for once? sometimes i feel like i'm losing my mind. i'm a broken record, watching helplessly as i repeat the same mistake over and over again. surely, i should have figured it out by now. 

it's all downhill from here. problems pile up on top of eachother, until it's a swaying tower, ready to collapse at any moment. join the party, won't you, just add another on there, won't you. sick, nauseous, my head spinning with each event that eats away at the limited hours that i have, the numbered heartbeats as they waste away.

i need to stop grasping to things i know will be ripped away from me in due time. myself. that's all i have. hide me from the world, bury my mistakes in a grave of their own.

heavy, aren't i? a burden that leaves you with aching bones. sorry your lungs can barely sputter for air after you're done with me, that my presence drains every ounce of happiness you've managed to scavenge. i've heard people say i can burn holes with my eyes, that anything i grow fascinated with eventually disintegrates. i'm a walking wildfire, bringing havoc to all that i touch. let me ruin you, and then mourn the pile of ash you become.

i once would vow to silence, worship the thread that kept my lips sowed shut. 


	2. Chapter 2

oh how i do regret it, flushing my memories down the drain for nothing more than a cheap persona. my innermost self thrown away as if it was worthless. how fucking dare you. i am not disposable. misery, regret, how i want it back. let me be young again. 

i hate seeing you and your brand-name shoes, perfectly straight hair haloed around your jawline. you resurface memories, like cascets that aren't buried deep enough when it rains. once i think i've finally moved on, you come around to rip the scab off and i have to start the healing process all over again. and the pain is as fresh and agonizing as it was that vary first time. how ironic that you have some sort of association with this dump of rejected misfits, that you walk through this ratnest as simply nothing more than a part of your daily routine. it's humiliating, above all else, that you get to make note that despite us both being of the same feather, this trash heap is now where i belong. 

go off, do something magnificent with your life, as effortlessly as you would any other task. yes i am a walking mistake, and yes i am going to cry about it. and maybe it's inevitable, that the more you learn to value your life, the more you mourn the wasting of it. 

its easy to simplify the difficulty of quitting for a person whose never held a cigarette to their lips, felt smoke in their lungs. regardless of what you say, people don't change. 

she said "the more you fear death, the better a life you have lived." i want to be terrified, absolutely mortified of losing what i have, that is my only measurement of value.


	3. Chapter 3

didn't you say you loved me? when we were alone that night against the chain link fence, and the lightning was striking much too close for comfort. i swore that i could see blue and red viens running through the current. the wind was sharp and cold against my skin, and although it was thundering, the rain was nothing more than a light drizzle, almost unnoticeable. the school was abandoned, silent if not for the distant sound of traffic. i sat atop the fence, like the delinquent i wanted to be, and you stayed beneath the roofed area. 

as a subliminal death wish, while you tried to persuade me to come down.

never had i felt more like an outcast than then, and i suppose that's where it began. i first started my habit of pacing in circles, learned to love cloudy days, and began dissociating into the gray puddle i longed to become. i watched everyone's hopes for me dissipate into nothing as i become nothing more than a nuisance. and watched my own hopes turn into apathy. i was so fearful, wanting death because of how mortified i was of pain, covering my ears at any mildly sad story because it made my heart ache. 

you could be so mean at times, condescending almost, although you were certainly not one for academics either. neither of us fit into the mold they provided, sharp and jagged where we were supposed to be smooth. id lash out when they'd poke and prod, trying to shape me into something more suitable to their agenda. born of the same month, and sharing the same insecurities, maybe we were too similar to not butt heads at first. but tolerance came as time went on, assuredly.

i remember the moment my hand brushed against yours more vividly than anything else in my life. you smiled at me wide, eyes crinkling at the corners. i was lightheaded from the summer heat. we were walking across vibrant green grass that stretched out endlessly, beneath a sky that was completely blue. your friends stopped talking to either of us, and i learned that day how much i didn't care.

why have i always been a loner? the person who doesn't quite fit anywhere, no one's go-to friend, always the second choice or substitute. i chase, i try too hard, i'm desperate. he was the first person to put me first, to look at me as if i was the center of his world, if only for a moment.

will i regret for every day onwards that i let that moment slip away?


	4. end

sick sick sick, to my bones, to my core, i want to tear the skin from my body, to maul my face until its unrecognizable. i hate myself, hate myself, i hate myself. incompetent, immature, retarded. i'm drowning in everything that you are. the way you string words like pearl beads on a necklace, your effortless gestures that epitomize grace. im suffocating in the pool of broken dreams that i've cried myself. i've spent so much time daydreaming, that here i am, now, lagging behind. i hate the word, hate it. evertime i hear it i cover my ears, tune out, choke back hiccups because i truly am a child. i need to be something. i can feel myself dying, every hour makes my heart ache more. i'm wasting time and i know it. i wish there wasn't a full-length mirror in my room. don't remind me. i've dug such a deep pit that i don't think i canget out of it.

i don't want to be this person anymore. i'm going to have to change, fast. 


End file.
